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Normalement, il nous reste 3 353 795 jours à vivre.
L’amour est enfant de l’OM
Le 19/12/2005 - 17:05

Hmm hmm. Il y a quelques temps, lors d’un jour particulier (appuyer ici), je déclarais ouvertement que je n’avais absolument rien à dire sur un calembour maison, intitulé “l’amour est enfant de l’OM”.

Je déclarais ouvertement, devant témoins - vous, ami(e)s lecteur(e)s, qu’en dépit de ma fierté à avoir été le premier à planter mon drapeau sur ce jeu de mot opéra-apéro-footballistique, je ne voyais pas ce que je pouvais décliner sous un titre aussi invraisemblable.

Sous la menace légère, j’ai décidé de me creuser les méninges. Après une longue période en incubation dans les toilettes bleutées, les éléments se sont mis en place progressivement. Progressivement est ici déplacé puisque j’avais assez mal au ventre, nous dirons dans ce cas “en un éclair”.

J’avais deux options. Poursuivre mon surf sur la blague, ou sortir un peu mes tripes (aux toilettes, bien joué). Je vous laisse décider.

L’amour est enfant de l’OM, the laughing machine is ON

- Et but ! Incroyable, Jean-Michel, ce que vient de réaliser l’avant-droit guinéen face à cette équipe de Lens !
- Tout à fait, Thierry. Cette équipe de division 3 d’Evreux-les-bains est en pleine forme ce soir sur son terrain. Et la fière équipe de Lens ne sait pas comment s’en remettre…
- Je vous l’accorde Jean-Michel, on a rarement vu dans les annales une telle surprise : Evreux-les-bains mène par un à zéro à la quatre-vingt douzième minute, autant dire que la messe est dite.
- Ah ça, vous l’avez dit. Ah, voilà l’arbitre siffle la fin du match ! Evreux-les-bains remporte ce match difficile contre une équipe de division 1. C’est la Ola dans tout le stade, les gens dansent. Bravo ! Et à vous Paris.

- Et but ! Incroyable, Jean-Michel, ce que vient de réaliser l’avant-droit guinéen face à cette équipe de Troyes !
- Tout à fait, Thierry. Cette équipe de division 3 d’Evreux-les-bains est en pleine forme ce soir sur son terrain. Et la fière équipe de Troyes ne sait pas comment s’en remettre…
- Je vous l’accorde Jean-Michel, on a rarement vu dans les annales une telle surprise : Evreux-les-bains mène par un à zéro à la quatre-vingt onzième minute, autant dire que les carottes sont cuites.
- Ah ça, vous l’avez dit. Ah, voilà l’arbitre siffle la fin du match ! Evreux-les-bains remporte ce match difficile contre une équipe de division 1. C’est la Ola dans tout le stade, les gens dansent. Bravo ! Et à vous Paris.

Moralité (mais j’ai honte) : Evreux-les-bains bat Lens, Troyes sur des rythmes de Ola.

Les vieux/incultes écouteront ceci :


L’amour est enfant de l’OM, la vidange

Dans un tout autre registre.

Il y a environ deux ans, j’ai eu une discussion lors d’un repas entre amis (de confession et d’origines diverses, précision utile) sur l’extrémisme de certains “chefs” dans leur boulot. Extrémisme puisqu’ils ne choisissent jamais la voie de la modération, de la raison et du dialogue.

De fil en aiguille, la discussion a dérivé sur les extrémismes en général. Et forcément, ce qui devait arriver arriva :

- Et toi David, que penses-tu de l’extrémisme juif ?

Ah merde, le sujet qui fâche. Je feins.

- Oh tu sais moi, la religion à l’extrême, je trouve ça un peu has been. Sinon il était bon le couscous hein ? Ma mère fait le même et…

Gifle de la droite :

- Non, non. On ne parle pas d’orthodoxie, on parle d’extrémisme juif. Alors ?
- Ben… C’est-à-dire, extrémisme juif ?

Gifle de la gauche :

- Ben, tu sais, il y a des extrémistes dans tous les camps : les arabes qui agressent les juifs, les juifs qui agressent les arabes, etc. Alors toi tu penses quoi de l’extrémisme des deux bords ?

Jésus avait tendu l’autre joue, mais je doute qu’en le poussant trop fort, il se serait incliné pour ramasser un savon imaginaire. Alors je dis :

- Je condamne avec la plus ferme intensité toute forme d’extrémisme.

Je déconne. Si vous cherchiez le lien avec le titre, lisez ce qui suit. J’ai répondu :

Voyez-vous, le fait de matérialiser deux “camps” comme vous dites érige une barrière virtuelle de facto. Pourquoi toujours manichéer ? Pourquoi obsessionnellement vouloir opposer ces deux communautés en particulier, et les gens en général ?1

Mais je vais quand même répondre à cette étroite question. Lorsqu’on me parle “d’extrémistes des deux bords”, je tique.

Cette expression donne l’impression que deux équipes, équilibrées, vont s’affronter sur un terrain. Prenons le PSG et l’OM par exemple, histoire d’illustrer une relation passionnelle.

11 joueurs de chaque côté, certains prêts à filer des coups bas, pour remporter la lutte qui mène au paradis ultime : la coupe de l’UEFA (ou autre, j’y connais rien).

Et tout autour, un stade enflammé, avec des couillons de supporters de chaque côté des barrières, matérielles cette fois. Qui se font des bras d’honneur, qui vocifèrent à coup de “Marseillais, on va niquer ta mère (allez, en choeur !!) sur la caneucaneucaneucaneubière-euh” ou “Paris, Paris, on t’enc.. !!” etc. Et si les barrières (toutes) tombent, c’est la chienlit pour ne pas dire la merde.

Ca, oui, des extrémistes des deux bords, je vois bien.

Mais quand les équipes qui s’affrontent, ce sont “l’équipe du PSG” contre “les supporters de l’OM” (ou l’inverse, mais en proportion c’est à peu près ça), forcément je tique.

Je tique parce que même si 100% de l’équipe était “extrémiste” comme ils disent, ils ne tiendraient pas longtemps contre les 1% des 40 000 supporters. Même avec les remplaçants.

Et puis désolé du peu, mais les flics qui protègent les locaux de l’équipe, les caméras et la sécurité maximale aux ambassades et aux bâtiments de l’équipe, les incontournables fouilles et les invariables questions lors des soirées privées de l’équipe, c’est fait pour quoi ? Pour la publicité de Benetton ?

Attention, je ne dis pas là qu’il n’existe pas dans cette équipe de gros balourds finis à l’urine qui hurlent avec d’autres cons de loups affamés de violence et de bêtise. Sûrement pas.

Mais pitié, évitons les facilités médiatiques du “les extrémistes des deux bords”. Surtout que les bords ne sont pas toujours ceux qu’on croit, il existe bien d’autres dangers pour une petite équipe : un mauvais entraîneur, l’appât du gain, une erreur flagrante d’arbitrage ou pire être rétrogradé en division 2 : être rayé de la carte.

Je n’ai pas dit tout ça à mes amis, alors qu’on payait l’addition.

Déjà je ne l’aurais pas dit avec ces mots.

Et puis, j’ai seulement répondu : “Ben ce sont vraiment des cons” ou une phrase bateau du même genre. Ni par lâcheté ni par manque de temps. C’est juste que ce que j’écris ici est dérangeant2, que notre sens inné de l’amour pour la symétrie (mon prof de maths disait toujours : les choses sont belles lorsqu’elles sont symétriques) s’obstine à nous faire refuser certains éléments dissymétriques pourtant avérés, réels, tangibles.

Et enfin, parce que j’avais peur d’être classé en tant qu’extrémiste moi aussi. Parce que je pourfendais le brouillard des idées avec les miennes, parce que je remuais la vase au fond de l’étang.

Alors que moi, ce que je défends, c’est l’éducation. Le jour où l’on éduquera les enfants à respecter (tolérer c’est un mot pour les saltimbanques et les politiciens) les autres enfants qu’ils soient blancs, noirs, zizi coupé ou non, blondes ou brunes, hétéros ou homos, jolis ou moches, alors on parlera d’amour entre les peuples. Même entre des petites équipes et des cars de supporters.

Même si le paragraphe précédent est totalement illusoire voire démagogique (et vice-versa), je persiste : l’amour du prochain passe purement et simplement par l’éducation.

Ami lecteur, il ne fallait donc pas lire “l’amour est enfant de l’ohème” mais “l’amour est enfant de l’homme”. Tout simplement.



1 : anecdote à ce sujet. Un jour, en mission et dans le TGV du retour, je discutais avec mon client d’un autre consultant chez OCTO qui bossait sur le même type de problématique que lui. Je lui dis aussi que c’est un consultant certes, mais que c’est aussi mon pote, qu’on a l’habitude de bien se marrer ensemble. Et qu’il s’appelle Nabil. Alors, avec le clin d’oeil et le rire gras de Roger, il me dit : “ah ouais, vous vous traitez de sale juif et sale arabe pour déconner ?”. Moi, je blêmis. Du coup, lui aussi. Et je réponds : “pourquoi, on peut déconner avec ça ?”. La fin du trajet s’est faite en silence…

2 : c’est pas avec ce genre d’article que l’on défrise le lectorat de masse, c’est clair. Mais après tout, j’écris ce que je veux avec mes cheveux. Je n’irai pas jusqu’au totalitaire “if you don’t like it, you don’t read it” mais plutôt “si vous n’aimez pas, alors dites pourquoi“.

19 commentaires

  1. 1
    Epictete nous dit :

    Pourquoi on me pose jamais des questions aussi cons à moi? “Et toi Patrick(David), que penses-tu de l’extrĂ©misme catholique (juif) ?

  2. 2
    Dayenou nous dit :

    en tant que joueur de foot je voulais dire que j’adore les extremistes, j’adore les idealistes qui vont jusqu’au bout de leurs idees qu’ils soient de n’importe quel bord. ces mecs ont des cokhoness et preferent mourir pour leur idees que vivre lachement….
    c dur…. c vrai mais je pense que celui qui lit la bible et plus particulierement le chapitre de Eliyahou face au pretre de Baal comprend la meme chose de son discours ( a Eli):
    si vous etes avec Baal tres bien, si vous etes avec D… encore mieux, mais ne reste pas lec.. entre deux chaises parce que vous n’avancez pas.( au moin si vous allez avec Baal vous avez une chance de revenir…).
    Bon je pense que g fait assez de grabuge
    Bisous

  3. 3
    Byalpel nous dit :

    Epictete >> Deux façons de comprendre ta question : 1) si on ne la pose pas pour les catholiques, c’est que l’extrĂ©misme catholique n’existe pas. Donc inversement si on m’en parle, c’est que l’extrĂ©misme juif existe. Mais ça je ne le nie pas de toute façon, je cause juste de proportions et de moyens. 2) La question est vraiment con et tu hallucines de voir qu’on me pose cette question parce que je suis juif. Parfois moi aussi. Mais je prĂ©fère qu’il me la pose à moi plutĂ´t qu’ils cherchent la rĂ©ponse dans l’HumanitĂ©…
    Dayenou >> Oui mais là tu parles d’orthodoxie. Tu peux adorer Baal ou qui tu veux, du moment que tu viens pas m’insulter ou me pĂ©ter la gueule. Ca aide au niveau de la tolĂ©rance et de plus, ça te permet de pratiquer quitte à en mourir (ardok comme on dit en AlgĂ©rie). Ici je parle d’extrĂ©mistes, les gars qui te haissent, te foutent des pains ou te coupent la tĂŞte à la tĂ©lĂ© pour un rien.

  4. 4
    Epictete nous dit :

    C’est plutĂ´t ça que je voulais dire. C’est parce que je suis juif que vous me posez des questions aussi cons. C’est ça qui me choque!
    Si, si l’extrĂ©misme catholique existe. A une Ă©poque, des mecs posaient des bombes devant les Ă©coles en Irlande. Et personne ne m’a jamais demandĂ©: “Et toi qui es catholique………..?”

  5. 5
    matthieu nous dit :

    Moi je m’en fout, je suis pour Lyon !!!

  6. 6
    Saoulfifre nous dit :

    Oui, je pense qu’on peut pas mieux rĂ©sumer la situation : la lutte contre tous les totalitarismes et tous les extrĂ©mismes passe par l’apprentissage de l’Amour aux enfants. Que ce soit très clair pour eux que la connerie n’est pas la propriĂ©tĂ© d’une religion, d’une nationalitĂ©, d’une classe sociale… Mais bon, c’est pas gagnĂ© q:^(

  7. 7
    procrastin nous dit :

    ce qui est fascinant, c’est que l’extremisme est justement une caractĂ©ristique des enfants : ils veulent “tout ou rien”. C’est “tout de suite”. C’est “je veux jouer MAINTENANT !”, “tu es PAS dans l’equipe”, “c’est MON jouet, c’est patatoi !”, etc. Il n’y a pas besoin de beaucoup les pousser pour voir surgir l’extremiste qui sommeille en eux. Alors que la mesure est finalement plus exigeante.
    IntĂ©ressante aussi ta remarque sur l’opposition : qualitatif (les camps comme entitĂ© simple et donc prĂ©hensible) - quantitatif (les nombres de “joueurs”, la complexitĂ© d’une “Ă©quipe”). Caricaturer une situation quantitative en une position purement qualitative, c’est là encore très enfantin (et donc très extrĂ©miste). Bien sur la mesure et la prĂ©cision, c’est pĂ©nible… alors on laisse parler l’enfant en nous. C’est à moi, c’est patatoi.

  8. 8
    Tant-Bourrin nous dit :

    Il est intĂ©ressant à ce propos de noter le glissement sĂ©mantique progressif du mot “respect” chez les plus jeunes : dĂ©sormais, le respect, ça se mĂ©rite, ça se gagne… alors que de mon temps, le respect, ça se devait (et ça pouvait Ă©ventuellement se perdre par une conduite indigne, mais c’Ă©tait un dĂ» à la base). Point-barre. Ultime Ă©volution d’une sociĂ©tĂ© de la frime, de l’Ă©pate, du chacun-pour-soi ? J’espère me tromper… :~/

    En attendant, fort beau billet !

  9. 9
    Byalpel nous dit :

    Epictete >> Et oui c’est toujours dĂ©routant mais… disons que le cĂ´tĂ© “minoritaire” joue beaucoup. Comme si je demandais à un footballer : “dis donc, que penses-tu des penaltys du milieu de terrain ?”. On a l’impression qu’il est mieux placĂ© pour parler…
    Matthieu >> Je savais que t’Ă©tais diffĂ©rent toi :-)
    Saoulfifre >> Comme tu dis. Mais “je positive”…
    Procrastin >> C’est moi que tu traites de patatoi ? :-)
    Tant-Bourrin >> Je suis avec toi. Le respect est une valeur perdue et quand je dis cette phrase j’ai l’impression d’ĂŞtre un vieux con…

  10. 10
    macco nous dit :

    tt a fait d’accord:
    -Pour la rivalité PSG OM qui finalement reste la chose qui nous permet de rester eveiller dans la Ligue1
    -L’Ă©ducation c’est comme un figuier,au dĂ©but c’est long et ca n’apporte rien mais sur le long terme ca rapporte de dĂ©licieux fruits poussĂ©s dans et avec amour!
    ps:si cette phrase vous plait, veuillez la mettre sous guillemets

  11. 11
    Byalpel nous dit :

    Macco >> Et tu veux pas qu’on te paie aussi ?
    C’est pas parce qu’on est pour l’amour entre les peuples qu’on ne peut pas se fendre d’un petit “PSG enculĂ© !” par-ci par-là.

  12. 12
    caelle nous dit :

    Vaste problème… je vais quand mĂŞme y ajouter mon grain de sel :)
    - les gens veulent toujours mettre des étiquettes (sur eux, sur les autres, etc)
    - l’exclusion commence dès le bac à sable: des amitiĂ©s naissent entre deux gamins car ils s’associent pour piquer la pelle de l’autre plus petit ou parce qu’ils se sont fait tous les deux piquer leur pelle par des plus grands.
    personnellement, j’ai tendance à m’intĂ©resser aux individus et non aux groupes, ce qui dĂ©route les gens qui aiment vous cataloguer et j’aimerais beaucoup pouvoir rĂ©unir dans une mĂŞme pièce tous les gens que j’apprĂ©cie, sans qu’ils aient de prĂ©jugĂ©s les uns sur les autres et qu’ils parviennent à faire un pas les uns vers les autres. A l’Ă©chelle d’un tout petit groupe, c’est jouable, à plus grande Ă©chelle, ça devient difficile hĂ©las. Bref, c’est le serpent qui se mord la queue.

  13. 13
    Byalpel nous dit :

    Déprimant hein ?
    Remarque, on n’est pas obligĂ© d’ĂŞtre pote avec toute la terre. Mais c’est quand mĂŞme dĂ©primant.
    PS : faut dormir la nuit :)

  14. 14
    ab6 nous dit :

    ah que ca fait du bien de voir qu’on n’est pas tout seuls a vivre des moments aussi lourdingues.
    le pire c’est que lorsque tu finis par dire CE que tu penses vraiment , tu as droit à
    - mais toi tu peux pas etre objective, parce que t’es juive.

    - alors pourquoi tu me poses cette question ?

  15. 15
    Epictete nous dit :

    Byalpel a dit:”C’est pas parce qu’on est pour l’amour entre les peuples qu’on ne peut pas se fendre d’un petit “PSG enculĂ© !” par-ci par-là.”
    Tu vois, tu fragmentes. Pourquoi entre les peuples et pas entre les ĂŞtres humains?
    J’attends une rĂ©ponse INTELLIGENTE!

  16. 16
    Byalpel nous dit :

    ab6 >> you’re deep in.
    epictete >> euh il est pas un peu dur le ton de “j’attends une rĂ©ponse INTELLIGENTE!” ?

    RĂ©ponse : ben c’Ă©tait un pied de nez au MRAP (Mouvement contre le Racisme et pour l’AmitiĂ© entre les Peuples). Et puis aussi pour reprendre le thème des peuples OM/PSG tout ça. Parce qu’il ne faut pas se leurrer à la DieudonnĂ©, des peuples il en existe et il en existera toujours. Le principal est de se respecter l’un l’autre. L’idĂ©al serait de n’ĂŞtre qu’un seul grand peuple d’humains, mais c’est irrĂ©aliste selon moi.
    Et puis surtout, surtout et c’est le message principal : MACCO c’est mon beauf et j’aime bien l’emmerder sur le PSG. Il ne fallait pas y voir de message subliminal.

    Je ne sais pas si c’est INTELLIGENT comme rĂ©ponse mais voilà. Aller plus loin dans l’exĂ©gèse de ma phrase me paraĂ®t superflu.

  17. 17
    Epicte nous dit :

    “Et puis surtout, surtout et c’est le message principal : MACCO c’est mon beauf et j’aime bien l’emmerder sur le PSG.”
    Mdr! Ca c’est une rĂ©ponse intelligente.
    J’aurais dĂ» mettre :-) après INTELLIGENT. Excuse-moi.

  18. 18
    caelle nous dit :

    “L’idĂ©al serait de n’être qu’un seul grand peuple d’humains, mais c’est irrĂ©aliste selon moi.”

    —> si la terre Ă©tait un grand immeuble et qu’on avait tous des antennes oranges, des zĂ©brures violettes et des pois verts sur la peau, les mecs du deux-cent douzième seraient fichus de ne pas blairer ceux du quatre cent quatorzième et ainsi de suite. Ils ne se seraient jamais vus, ni mĂŞme croisĂ©s dans l’ascenseur (faut vraiment qu’il y ait un ascenseur, parce que sinon, ce serait trop galère) mais ils ne pourraient pas se blairer quand mĂŞme.

    L’idĂ©al est par nature irrĂ©aliste.

  19. 19
    Byalpel nous dit :

    Epictete >> Pas de souci
    Caelle >> Faut dire qu’ils sont vraiment chiants les mec du 114e

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