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Ce blog contient environ 255 524 mots ou presque.
Prendre son pied au goûter
Le 17/02/2006 - 00:32

Pour rétablir la grandeur de la Bible que Matthieu a -si brillamment- écorchée, je me propose de vous conter une légende sur le roi David, relatée dans “Les prophètes”.

Le roi David avait un grand nombre d’enfants, parce qu’il avait un grand nombre de femmes. En 2006, vous n’y verriez pas de lien immédiat, mais à l’époque une femme faisait des enfants, accessoirement la lessive, la vaisselle et la cuisine, mais surtout des enfants.

Toutefois, le roi avait ses préférences : la fille née de l’union avec Betsabée, la belle rousse qui ressemble à Nicole Kidman, qu’ils avaient prénommée Uma en hommage au seul territoire non-juif de la Galilée appelé “no Yid” [il est chaud ce calembour] et sûrement pas en hommage à Uma Thurman, elle n’était pas encore née, bande d’ignares !

Uma a toujours été élevée dans l’amour et la surveillance constante de ses parents. Ainsi, le jour fatidique où elle a demandé : “Papa, je peux aller à la boum de Avraham ben Yossef ?”, la première réponse fut inévitablement : “You’re kidding me son of a bitch ?” ce qui, traduit approximativement de l’araméen donne : “Même pas en rêve !”.

Comme savent y faire les jeunes filles de son âge, Uma a finalement persuadé son père de la laisser se trémousser avec ses copains et copines dans une cave illuminée aux chandelles, Champomy, fraises tagada et moutons en méchoui à volonté.

Seulement voilà, le père est roi de Canaan et est sorti victorieux de nombreuses guerres. Donc on ne la lui fait pas : il a décidé d’engager un détective privé professionnel pour épier sa fille chérie.

Le soir du crime de la danse-party-all-night-long (traduisez par “sauterie”), le roi David a finalement décidé d’accompagner le détective privé dans sa mission de surveillance, évidemment vêtu d’un imperméable terne et équipé de trop grandes lunettes noires.

Engoncé dans le siège arrière de l’Alfa Roméo noire de l’enquêteur, il passait inaperçu. Ils suivaient méthodiquement le cortège de véhicules qui se rendait chez Yossef ben Avraham (le père d’Avraham ben Yossef, vous suivez ?) parce qu’à l’époque, Mappy n’existait pas (ou alors il fallait consulter le prophète).

Malheureusement, le roi David était âgé et, à cause d’un tiraillement aigu de sa satanée prostate, devait vider sa royale vessie régulièrement. Et, alors qu’il était occupé à tracer son nom (en hébreu, donc de droite à gauche) sur le cactus du voisin, le détective a perdu la trace du défilé de voiture. Bilan : le roi et son chauffeur ont erré pendant plus de deux heures à leur recherche en plein désert de Judée.

- Incapable ! Je ne peux pas aller pisser deux secondes que tu les perds de vue !? Et tu dis que t’es un pro ? A cause de tes conneries, on a raté la boum de ma fille !
- Mais, Sire…
- Y’a pas de mais ! On rentre ! Rappele-moi de te pendre par les pieds au goûter.

Moralité : le pro se perd, loupe la boum et c’est le roi youpin qui pisse !

L’immatroscope du jour :

Tiens, en parlant de prostate, si vous êtes vieux il serait temps de consulter. Je connais un très bon urologue (c’est mon beaup : -50% sur la consultation sur présentation de votre abonnement à ce blog)

14 commentaires

  1. 1
    Tant-Bourrin nous dit :

    Alors là, mon pauvre Byby, attends -toi à recevoir incessamment sous peu une citation à comparaître devant les instances judiciaires adéquates ! Je revendique la paternité d’au moins la moitié de cet infame jeu de mot, et ce billet (http://blogborygmes.free.fr/blog/index.php/2005/09/02/75-histoire-pathetique-et-edifiante) datant de près de 6 mois en atteste de façon indiscutable.
    Mais si tu veux éviter un mauvais procès, on peut peut-être trouver un bon arrangement à l’amiable : tu me files 60% des royalties (50% au titre de co-auteur, 10% au titre du préjudice moral subi) et on n’en parle plus ! ;)

  2. 2
    Bakemono nous dit :

    Merde, j’ai pas lu la bonne traduction moi! C’était pas si drôle.

  3. 3
    ab6 nous dit :

    C’est magnifique…!

  4. 4
    Epictete nous dit :

    Mdr! J’en ai connu des rigolos, mais toi, t’es le champion du moooonde! Seul, peut-être, dans ses grands jours, Tant-Bourrin pourrait rivaliser.

  5. 5
    Yves nous dit :

    Je ne comprenais pas la fin du jeu de mots. Je suis allé chercher le texte de la chanson,et j’ai trouvé : “prosper youp la boum, c’est le roi du pain d’épices”. S’il faut être très, très cultivé maintenant pour venir sur certains blogs et en saisir toutes les finesses, où va-t-on ?

  6. 6
    Sébastien nous dit :

    Du grand Byalpel !

  7. 7
    antenor nous dit :

    excellent ! et dire que ce blog est gratuit…

  8. 8
    Pascal nous dit :

    enfin une référence “culturelle” que je connais…

  9. 9
    caelle nous dit :

    prosper youp la boum… cette pub, c’était déjà une parodie d’une chanson de Maurice Chevalier (je crois, mais je ne mettrais ma tête à couper…)
    Ne quittez pas, j’appelle mon grand-père, il va me retrouver le nom, le disque, l’année de l’enregistrement et tout et tout. :)
    Oui, les blogs avec des multi-références et qui revisitent les trucs, c’est chouette :)

  10. 10
    caelle nous dit :

    je ne metrais pas ma tête…
    va falloir que j’apprenne à mettre les “ne…pas” du premier coup car sinon ça crée des confusions…

  11. 11
    chrislgn9 nous dit :

    On voit bien ici que le roi David ne connaissait pas la chanson de Capdevielle (Quand t’es dans le désert, … depuis trop longtemps ) :
    “Il m’a dit : “T’as t’nu combien d’jours ?” J’ai répondu : “Bientôt trente”
    J’me souviens qu’il espérait tenir jusqu’à quarante.”

  12. 12
    matthieu nous dit :

    Ben c’est de plus en plus tiré par les cheveux, mais c’est toujours avec plaisir qu’on lit ces textes à morale !

  13. 13
    Dayenou nous dit :

    g un probleme avec la maniere dont tu depeint le plus grand roi de notre peuple.
    on a brule des ambassade pour moin que ca…
    a la rigueur le roi ahab mais David, le roi David, tu pousse…

  14. 14
    Byalpel nous dit :

    TB >> Argh, on mange aux mêmes cantines ! Pour l’antériorité et l’humour qui te caractérise, tu mérites amplement tes 60%. Une fois que t’auras payé l’abonnement à ce blog évidemment :-)

    Bakemono >> C’est la version de Gotlib (Rubriques à brac tome 2) qui est la plus officielle…

    Abs >> Merci, toi aussi !

    Epictete >> Toi, tu veux me faire des amis :-) Merci en tout cas, ça me touche.

    Yves >> Ben on va chez Blogborygmes. Tu vas voir, chez eux non seulement faut être intelligent mais en plus faut reconnaître des singes.

    Seb >> D.ieu te bénisse !

    Antenor >> Merci. C’est bien de croire qu’il est gratuit, tu recevras ta lettre de relance majorée de 10% sous peu

    Pascal >> Ouf sinon c’était les tours de stade

    Caelle >> Ouaip, Maurice Chevalier revisité par nos publicistes. Enfin moi je n’ai connu que la version pub, je suis trop jeune MOI.

    chrislgn9 >> Et il n’a même pas mis sa chanson dans ses Psaumes, le cuistre !

    Matthieu >> Et on n’est pas au bout de nos peines, c’est moi qui te le dis !

    Dayenou >> Eh oh ! Et c’est pas chez vous/nous que Choulamit Aloni avait prétendu que le roi David était homosexuel ? Alors, pousse-pousse ! (J’te chauffe my friend hein ?)

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