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Hier, le chat de ma soeur a eu 4 bébés.
Le commerce, ce n’est plus ce que c’était
Le 04/02/2006 - 21:42

Aujourd’hui la journée n’a pas été bonne…

Je n’en ai circoncis que 4.

C’est pas avec ce débit qu’on va s’acheter la dernière Carrera…

[cliquer pour agrandir - pour agrandir l’image uniquement]

We are the world
Le 03/02/2006 - 17:00

C’est reparti, un grand jeu musical auquel tout le monde doit peut participer !

Rappelez-vous, Yaelz était notre grande gagnante du concours Intel. Avec cornichons et tricherie à la clé.

Parce qu’en ce moment, on parle beaucoup de tolérance, d’ouverture, de liberté d’expression, de représailles disproportionnées et de trafic de shit (j’ai un pote qui peut en avoir pour pas cher), le jeu d’aujourd’hui est plutôt une cause fédératrice. Le “we are the world” français mais interplanétaire, paradoxalement.

En effet, par delà nos différences culturelles, cultuelles, colorielles, intellectuelles, sexuelles, et pleins d’autres mots en “elle” (sauf écuelle, rebelle, femelle etc), nous vivons tous sur une planète pour nous aimer, nous chérir, nous tenir par les épaules (le premier qui touche ma femme je le défonce) et bronzer à demi-nus sur une plage de sable fin.

Il existe, selon moi, deux méthodes pour y parvenir :

La circoncision systématique OU la musique.

Et parce que je n’ai pas de circoncisoir industriel en état de marche actuellement, ce jeu fédérateur sera axé sur la musique, notre plus belle et notre plus forte arme pour casser la bêtise et l’intolérance. Et surtout pour se foutre de notre gueule dans quelques années.

Voici le jeu : pour reconstituer un “we are the world”, il me faut 200 Noirs qui chantent super bien et Bruce Springsteen des personnes volontaires, avec des timbres différents, ou sachant jouer d’un instrument.

Le principe : il faut chanter, siffloter, jouer, pianoter, imiter, et plein d’autres mots en “er” (sauf végéter, caresser, agacer etc) la chanson “ah voilà l’bateau” que ma mère me chantait quand j’avais 4 ans et que je flottais (déjà gros hein ?) dans la Mer Méditerranée.

Pour le coup, tout le monde la connaît (même les étrangers et les expatriés, suivez mon clavier) :


UPDATED.
Si vous voulez vraiment chanter, alors les paroles sont simples :

Ah voilà l’bateauuuuuuuuu
Le bateau, le bateau, le bateauuuuuuuuuuu
Ah voilà l’bateauuuuuuuuu
Le bateau, le bateau, le bateauuuuuuuuuuu

Une fois que chacun de vous aura envoyé sa (ou ses) version(s), on mettra en musique et on diffusera. Et on sera riches, tous amis main dans la main. Et je ne prendrai que 10% sur les bénéfices.

Comme d’habitude, c’est le week-end donc vous avez le temps de préparer votre intervention. Pour me l’envoyer et pour changer des hibous, je vous propose le mail. Pour s’enregistrer, un micro, un téléphone portable (laissez-moi un message sur répondeur), tout ce qui enregistre fera l’affaire. La seule contrainte : respecter le tempo mis en exemple. Et envoyer le fichier (wav ou mp3) avant lundi 6 février au soir.

Vous pouvez évidemment demander de l’aide à vos enfants, vos parents, vos amis, votre chien (s’il a le sens du rythme) etc. Si vous avez honte, dites-vous qu’il existe des gens qui vont aux toilettes et ne se lavent jamais les mains. EUX, ils devraient avoir honte ! Mais pour une simple chanson anonyme, relativisez !

Bon courage et rappelez-vous : quand vous serez célèbre, vous direz à vos enfants : “tu vois mon fils/ma fille/mon chat, avant Byalpel je n’étais qu’une simple adresse IP. Grâce à lui, maintenant je suis une adresse hype !



J’espère n’avoir vexé aucun geek avec cette blague. Pitié, ne me boycottez pas mon blog et ne proférez pas de représailles (phishing, spoofing, hacking et pleins d’autres mots en “ing” sauf jogging, lifting, parking etc) à mon encontre ! En plus, je ne suis pas Danois.

Les 7 d’or capitaux du péché
Le 03/02/2006 - 03:29

Akh, cheu m’ai fait kohlé uneu chaîneu par la fraulein Abeusiss. Cheu vais kon même la faireu issi, poureu votreu plaizir et poureu le millien égallemand.

Ce qui m’embête dans les chaînes, c’est le côté “chaînes” (aux pieds). Je déteste être contraint dans ce que j’écris. Voilà, j’ai fait mon rebelle.

L’avarice : citez 7 objets dont vous auriez du mal à vous séparer

  • Mon ordinateur.
  • Le clavier de mon ordinateur.
  • Mes crottes de nez. Elles sont à moi. A la limite, je peux les refiler à un super copain ponctuellement.
  • Du melon. Autant on dit “voir Venise et mourir”, autant on dit aussi “piquer du melon à Byalpel et mourir” !
  • Ma graisse. Pour le coup, c’est elle qui ne veut pas partir.
  • Ma mémoire. C’est un besoin vital, je dois me rappeler de tout en permanence.
  • Et mon ordinateur bien sûr, j’ai failli l’oublier !

La luxure : citez 7 choses/personnes qui vous émoustillent

  • Maureen Dor déguisée en chaperon rouge.
  • Les pages 103 à 141 de La Redoute.
  • Voir des vieilles se péter la gueule dans l’escalier. La vie est dure.
  • Les caresses dans le dos, les cheveux, les sourcils. On peut me soutirer un million d’euros juste en me caressant les poils de barbe.
  • La Tour Eiffel. Une forme de mimétisme je pense.
  • Les champs de maïs. J’imagine toujours qu’il y a des petits turlupins à l’intérieur qui font des saloperies.
  • Les décolletés. J’ai toute une théorie sur ce point. Je m’explique : la relativité générale précise que la lumière subit aussi la gravitation. Plus la masse est imposante, plus la lumière est déviée de sa trajectoire supposée rectiligne. C’est la raison pour laquelle les regards des hommes sont irrémédiablement attirés par les poitrines imposantes des filles… J’aurais dû écrire : les décolletés, par amour de la science, pardi !

L’envie : citez les 7 célébrités dont vous avez envie

  • Maureen Dor (et je vous emmerde hein)
  • Reese Witherspoon (en fait j’aimerais juste me réveiller un matin et dire “Hello Reese” ou des noms comme Deirdre…)
  • Valérie Lemercier : j’ai envie de lui mettre la tête dans une bétonneuse et activer le bouton “Turbo”
  • Dieudonné bien sûr. Même punition mais dans un mixer la tête.
  • Carole Frederics (la grosse Noire qui chantait avec Goldman). J’avais envie qu’elle me serre dans ses bras et qu’elle me chante une berceuse
  • Judith Godrèche. Je pourrais violer des vieilles qui se pètent la gueule dans l’escalier juste pour qu’elle me fasse la bise.
  • George Michael. Surtout à l’époque Wham. Ce n’est pas une envie purement sexuelle, mais qu’est-ce qu’il est beau !

La colère : citez 7 choses qui ont le don de vous faire grincer des dents

  • Prêter un bouquin et qu’on me le rende corné ou sali
  • La fraise du dentiste. Je peux te dire que y’a pas que mes dents qui grincent…
  • La haine gratuite. Qu’on fasse payer 10€ par haine, je trouve cela plutôt normal. Mais gratuite ? Berk, ça me dégoûte.
  • Les blogs qui n’ont pas leur commentaire en RSS. Ce n’est pas très grave mais ça dénote un certain amateurisme…
  • Les gardiennes qui vous bloquent au pied des ascenseurs (dont vous ne savez pas quelle porte va s’ouvrir, hein) pour se la jouer Gilles empêtré
  • Les pédophiles. Avérés. Je propose une sentence “mesure pour mesure” comme on dit dans le Talmud. Sodomisés par un éléphant.
  • Les écrans à des résolutions inférieures à 1280×1024. En-dessous, c’est pour les gros nazes. Les geeks sont à 1400×1050.

L’orgueil : citez ce qui vous semble être vos 7 plus grandes qualités, physiques ou non

  • Ben déjà je suis super intelligent. Ca, forcément je pense que c’est le plus important. Nan vraiment.
  • J’ai des yeux qui font craquer toutes les gonzesses. Non, pardon j’ai un regard qui tue, qui déchire sa mère !
  • Même quand je fais la bise, j’embrasse super bien. D’ailleurs à mon bureau, tout le monde me fait la bise. Même les clients qui, par ouï-dire…
  • Je pense que je peux tuer un lion enragé en larguant une seule caisse, quand je suis en forme.
  • J’ai un sacré sourire quand même. Je veux dire par là que celles qui n’ont pas craqué pour mes yeux ont craqué pour mon sourire (et le reste pour mon fric)
  • Le sens de la répartie. Par exemple, quand on me file 100€, j’en donne 80 à ma femme, et 20 pour moi. Je répartis.
  • Je suis classé dans les 4 faiseurs de caca les plus rapides du monde. Je rentre, je baisse, je fais, je remonte, non pardon j’essuie, je remonte, je sors. 34 secondes. Hors désodorisant.

La gourmandise : citez les 7 choses qui font le ravissement de vos papilles gustatives

  • Les mandarines à grosse peau et sans pépins
  • Les tartelettes sablées à la Framboise de Bonne Maman
  • Le far breton que je fais moi-même (hé ouais et je vous emmerde encore)
  • La tchoutchouka de la grand-mère de ma femme. La tchoutchouka, hormis son nom rigolo, c’est une salade cuite de poivrons et tomates. Et piquante pour relever un peu. Beaucoup même.
  • La pâte à pain en préparation, pas cuite
  • La touillette en plastique de mon café au bureau. Je pourrais la malaxer, la tordre, la remuer, la croquer pendant des heures. Et ça me fait un air cowboy, avec mon sourire et mon regard ravageurs…
  • Le raisin israélien sans pépins. J’en ai goûté des raisins à travers le monde, mais celui-là est top canon.

La paresse : citez vos 7 ingrédients pour glander dans les règles de l’art

  • Je n’aime pas glander. Si je glande, c’est que je dors. Voilà, dormir, ça fait un.
  • Si vraiment j’ai le crâne flapi, et que c’est un dimanche, et que je ne vais pas jouer au tennis le matin, je me mate 10 épisodes d’une série (The Wire - Sur écoute en ce moment, c’est vraiment bien)
  • Et tant qu’à faire, si je ne joue pas au tennis, ma femme et moi on se fait un brunch qui ferait pâlir n’importe quel chef d’état invité à déjeuner à l’Elysée
  • Même en vacances je n’arrive pas à glander. Je suis obligé de bouger, visiter partout. Mais bon, disons à la plage, une heure… Ben, l’iPod dans les oreilles à mater les gonzesses jouer aux mots-croisés ?
  • Ah très important : quand on glande, on est forcément en short rouge super large. C’est un principe dans notre famille depuis bientôt six générations. Je crois même que c’est marqué dans la Torah.
  • Bon, bien sûr, glande et ordinateur vont souvent de pair. Je découvre les nouveaux blogs ou je lis vos conneries (que j’admire). Ou alors j’invente, je conçois, je crée, je façonne. Je glande quoi.
  • Ranger la maison. Quand je glande, j’ai une folle envie de tout ranger dans toutes les chambres. D’où ma première proposition toute naturelle : je n’aime pas glander.

Paraît qu’il faut refiler la chtouille la chaîne à 7 autres pigeons blogueurs. J’ai horreur de faire ça hein, on dirait que je vais interroger un élève pour la récitation.

Disons que sur le principe, les nouveaux devraient fatalement jouer. Et certains anciens aussi. Alors je vais proposer (mais si vous ne voulez pas, ce n’est pas du tout honteux de décliner) : Caelle, Pascal, Matthieu et Maester. Voilà, 7 pile.

C’est vous qui voyez.

L’immatroscope du jour :


Tiens, ben aujourd’hui, c’est glande !
Mossad - stage 3
Le 02/02/2006 - 01:10

Ecoutez-moi bien les lavettes.

Jusqu’à présent (ici et ici), on a bien rigolé. Mais là, c’est le test ultime.

Ceci est le test final pour faire partie de notre association à but non lucratif de renommée internationale qu’est le Mossad.

Si vous réussissez ce test, vous n’aurez plus besoin de vous parfumer au Axe Marine pour attirer les gonzes et les gonzesses parce que vous sentirez bon de partout naturellement.

Vous n’aurez plus besoin d’argent parce que vous connaîtrez par avance les numéros de l’Euromillion.

Vous n’aurez plus besoin d’inviter vos voisins prendre l’apéro, parce que vous inspirerez la crainte et le respect. Ce sont EUX qui vous inviteront.

Aujourd’hui le test porte sur les langages et la technologie. Nous considérons qu’une fois lâchés dans la nature (ou la ville) de n’importe quel pays, vous devrez être à même de communiquer avec les autochtones quelles que soient les méthodes de communication utilisées. Et d’utiliser les gadgets dont vous a affublé X (dont le vrai nom est David Moché Cohen Ben Mordékhai Baroukh).

Pour résoudre l’énigme, vous devez trouver la réponse de la charade ci-dessous. Aucune réponse ne sera tolérée dans les commentaires, un mail est obligatoire pour laisser toutes les autres lavettes jouer. Par contre, vous pouvez pester, contester, faire vos femelettes/omelettes dans les commentaires, je n’en ai rien à foutre, ici on est à l’armée, on n’est pas dans les champs de coquelicots.

Allez !

[Pour mon premier, utilisez votre Palm Pilot : vous devez maîtriser le langage Graffiti !]
Mon premier :

Mon second :

[Pour mon troisième, utilisez votre téléphone portable, activez le mode “T9″ ou “dictionnaire”. Le 0 correspond à l’espace, la touche * permet de modifier le mot]
Mon troisième :

230668*22744630860843890538033024463

Mon quatrième :

Mon cinquième :

Mon tout est un artiste qu’on ne sent pas (et qui est sympa).

Go, go, go !

[En réalité, vous noterez que ce test est facile. Disons que les critères d’admissibilité ont été abaissés, il y a un tantinet plus de boulot depuis que les humanistes à barbe rousse sont au pouvoir.]

L’axe du bien
Le 01/02/2006 - 04:26

Longtemps, adolescent, je me suis demandé : “mais quel est mon secret pour que les femmes soient toutes dingues de moi ?”. Hé oui, l’adolescence, l’âge où l’on se pose des questions existentielles…

Une fois adulte, si la question se pose encore, la réponse me semble assez lointaine de mes réflexions pubères. Disons que j’ai découvert, tout à fait par hasard, la réponse universelle à la question que tous les hommes du monde se sont posés au moins une fois dans leur vie :

Comment être sûr de pouvoir tomber les gonzesses ?

La réponse était évidente, sous nos yeux. Ecrite en blanc sur noir avec des reflets bleus ! Parce que je ne suis pas chien, que je professe un humanisme du partage et que je n’ai encore aucun moyen de vous faire payer puisque mon appareil à carte bleue ne fonctionne pas, je vous livre ci-dessous ce secret ancestral, qui se passe de texte explicateur, d’après le service marketing.

Notez le “femme au carré”. Comprenez : si vous vous lavez et vous vous parfumez au AXE, vous pourrez enfin assouvir votre fantasme de vous taper deux bonnes femmes en bikini. A moins que l’exponentiation ne soit une façon détournée pour indiquer “l’équivalent de deux femmes minces = une grosse” ?

Evidemment, j’ai prévu le cas où ma femme achèterait un autre déodorant. J’ai fait un stock. Avec la gomina.

Les identités meurtrières
Le 01/02/2006 - 01:39

Un très bon bouquin, que j’ai piqué (et j’ai bien fait) à mon pote Nabil.

Si je précise que je lui ai piqué, je précise que je lui ai aussi rendu.
Si je précise qu’il s’appelle Nabil, c’est pour en venir à un point précis.

Je pense que ce bouquin parle parfaitement aux individus dont l’identité “saillante” est meurtrie ou bafouée ou reniée ou pointée du doigt.

L’auteur explique, dans cet essai qui se lit très vite, que notre identité est une somme continue de facteurs et que nous mettons en avant la ou les composantes soit par réaction (le regard ou l’oppression de l’autre), soit par affinité culturelle - dépendante du temps.

Et d’expliquer, par exemple, le regroupement autour de l’Islam radical (par opposition à l’Islam nationaliste qui a échoué) par le principe de la recherche de l’identité commune, fédératrice, glorifiante. C’est très intéressant comme point de vue ; toujours difficile de lire une apologie de l’extrême, mais Maalouf étant a priori neutre, le discours passe bien.

Un bon bouquin, vraiment.